Deep Listening, Part 2

Exploring Deep Listening at a recent Lunch & Learn

In my last blog post, I discussed the kinds of activities that most of us engage in when other people are talking to us. I pointed out that these activities, such as categorizing, planning, evaluating, and relating, are distinct from listening. All of them involve some kind of filtering. When we filter, we miss out on much of what our conversation partner is sharing with us. We limit ourselves to partial or intermittent listening and squander an opportunity for real communication.

To move from intermittent listening to deep listening, we first need to explore what makes up a communication. It is useful to think of a communication as being made up of three distinct elements of it: words, feelings, and values.*

Words: The first element of a communication is what a person is saying. Listening to a person's words means letting in exactly what she is saying, exactly the way she is saying it. Often, in our efforts to categorize, evaluate or relate to what another person is saying, we focus on the “gist” of their communication, and not the words they actually said. Unfortunately, that “gist” is a filtered understanding—not the communication that was actually delivered.

When I was being trained to listen to another person's words, I was asked by my teachers to mirror back to practice partners what they were saying. Often, I would get it wrong. I would choose words that captured my interpenetration of what they said. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even realize I was doing that. I actually thought I was repeating back the same words my partner had said. Over time, however, I got better and better at listening to what another said without adding, subtracting or changing anything.

Feelings: When we act or speak, our action or speech is colored by our emotions. If I say something while I am upset or disappointed, it is different than if I say something while I am happy or excited. Even if I use exactly the same words, the communication is distinct. To understand what another person is communicating, we also need to understand the experience or feeling that the person is having while they are talking.

Fortunately, human beings are naturally empathetic. When we give someone our attention, it is natural for us to feel what they are feeling. It can take a while to learn to open up to what others are feeling and distinguish it from what we are feeling ourselves. With practice, however, we can become quite skilled at listening to other people's experiences and feelings.

Values: Every communication begins with a spark of motivation. There is a reason why a person chooses to open her mouth and express something. To understand what another person is communicating, we need to understand what motivated the communication.

A good place to begin practicing this is with ourselves. The more familiar you are with what motivates your own communications, the easier it is to understand what motivates others. We are more alike than different in that way.

In a future blog post, I will share more about listening for feelings and values, and how connecting with nature can teach us to do that.

* I was first exposed to these three elements of communication through Harvel Hendrix and Helen Hunt's excellent book "Getting the Love You Want." Years later, I had the opportunity to get extensive training in a similar model through Landmark. Since my training at Landmark, I have also encountered these three elements of communication in the work of The Art of Hosting, and Non-Violent Communication.